BELTANE; I woke to the gentle sound of rain drops against my window. The day is unseasonably brisk and sullen. As I lifted myself out of bed, I mumbled “Time to take my meds”, I thought to myself, what a shitty way to live, every day wake up to a breakfast of Pills, then 2 hrs later, a medicine ball, 2 hrs later more pills, 2 hrs later supplements, 2 hrs later a Tincture. Then around 6:00 PM, I get to do the pills and medicine ball all over again. Then, I said to myself “Self, stop complaining, at least you get up every morning, you can walk to get your meds. I could be bed bound, or, I could possibly be dead.
At least I am seeing what appears to be a slight improvement in my health. I am an extremely fortunate woman, even though I have many days when I feel doomed, intense pain, anxiety, defeat. I am still much better off than others with this disease Yes, I have been through a LOT in my life, however, it has all taught me Very Valuable lessons. I also learned exactly how strong a person I am, I never allowed anything to keep me down.
The disease has altered my life Majorly, three times. I have always believed Everything happens for a reason, I can now see why things happened.
If [detachment] had not caused me to leave my marriage, I wouldn’t have gained the strength and knowledge I needed to survive this nasty disease. I’d never have gotten my job, which is now supporting me quite well, I Luckily also got grandfathered in for my insurance. [I would not have had medical insurance if I were still married].
If I didn’t have to work through all those bouts of Bells Palsy, I would have crumbled and remained in the shelter of my home that I would have eventually lost. If I didn’t get up every morning as sick as I was during my early treatment, I’d never realize just how much strength I have, how much I can deal with, how much I can defeat. If my Dr of 12 years didn’t get nasty, spiteful, and release me, I would never have found the excellent LLMD I now have that has been treating me aggressively, causing me to see a difference. I now have an entire team of LLMD’s.
If I didn’t have to leave my job, I’d never have learned so much about the importance of Remembering Others in their time of need. Truly holding out your hand to help others. Remaining positive “deep within” no matter how terrible you feel. If you have nothing nice to say “Shutty”, you never know how DEEP words can CUT a person. I have learned to forget things that have hurt me terribly, and caused me much grief, I have also learned from those experiences.
I feel I “Beat” the system, I have taken all the Negatives that were lunged at me, and turned them into Positives.
There have been many times I could have just remained lying down, just given up. There is a survivor deep inside that would not allow me to. I fought very hard to keep my head above water ALL my Life, since birth. I have always been kind, a giver, was never mean, vicious, vindictive. I do not believe in gossip, it hurts people very badly which is something I have never wanted to do. If I hurt Anyone, I loose sleep an cry over it, even if I could justify it in my mind.
Still, I sit here alone every day because I could never let anyone fully in, there was always a Very High Sturdy Wall, it was built when I was very young, as I went through Life, more people hurt me, tried using and abusing me causing the wall to get Higher and Stronger. The Wall is the only thing I am still unable to move or break through. I guess this is another lesson for me to learn, “How to break my wall, or at least make a door way for someone to enter”.