Saturday, February 22, 2014

LymeZombie, My Broken World - 3

I woke feeling great, took the trash out, went walking with Zeus. It's finally such a beautiful day,  Sunny, warm, happy. I saw a few neighbors, we exchanged smiles & hello's. Came in, opened the windows. Thinking I can go walk a little at the Trail near the Ocean in a while. 
Then, "BOOM". 
Here we go AGAIN.
The strange sensations, weird feelings darting inside mixed with fast jolts of pains, the intense NEED to lay down, unstopable tears, fear, doom, they all returned. I had a good night last night, I thought I was finally free. 
It's been Is this how it's going to be for me now? Is this my new Prison? I have lived in Prison (solitude) for over a year due to Bells Palsy. I need some relief, some kind life. I get to go out a few minutes in the morning and Feel "it's going to be a Great Day Today". Then someone says "not today". lI have been feeing like this since 2/16. With a few good hours between, I guess that's so I can get my hopes up AGAIN. 
When you feel like I do, right now, there are no positive thoughts, no fairy tale endings. It seems like I'll never feel right again. It's days like this that make you want to give up, makes me wonder if it's all worth it. The Evil Lyme king has me trapped in one big mind fuck. 
This is MY REALITY, the mind of "Chronic Neurological Lyme Disease". 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

LymeZombie, my Broken World - 2

This is my Reality, I go through these bouts at least once a month, sometimes more. I tried to explain it as vivid and detailed as I could. When you are filled with that much fear & anxiety, there is no way you can think positive. 
At that moment, my only reality is;  
                "I'm going to Die".

Sunday 2/16/14
Today was one of my Terrible Days. I woke at 5am with nasty heartburn. Once again, I choked on my own saliva. (After doing much research I discovered I also have  "Vocal Fold Paralyses")
From there, it goes to a wicked panic attack, pains in my chest, feelings of total despair, hopelessness. Gloom & doom, Feeling death breathing over my shoulder - Then - the steady flow of uncontrollable tears. 
As I'm crying all sorts of thoughts RUSH at me all at the "Same Time"
Your alone, no one cares, no one understands, your going to die and no one will know. If the world is a hologram WHY do I feel so terrible? When I die, will my conscious really leave my body? What if I feel all they do to my body after I die? Should I go to the hospital? Am I going to have a heart attack? What if the Star Wars that's going on in my body get together with the spirochete's and all turn on me? What if the bugs are eating my brain? Do I have holes in my brain? Will the holes heal? Will the parts they are eating grow back the same as they were? Will my face ever feel normal again? Will I EVER feel like I once did? My chest hurts, my legs & feet hurt. My head is throbbing and I can't see well. I can't call anyone, I can't move, if I move it hurts so much worse. I have to sit here in total silence and cry, I'm too weak, too dizzy to move. Are the bugs eating my eyes too? Will I lay here in bed and just be eaten alive from the inside out? I feel like a living dead girl, that's it, I'm a Lyme Zombie. 
I HATE days Like TODAY! They are the worst. 

             Monday 2/17/14
I woke this morning feeling pretty good. After my IV I took Zeus out, cleaned off my car and took it out of the yard. 
Now, I'm laying down "again". I felt a weird wave in my chest, I then felt dizzy, weak, and just not right. I'm not sick or in as much pain but I'm not good. I also felt tears approaching again. Looks like it's going to be another day like yesterday. 
These feelings of intense gloom & doom are so frightening. 
This disease is a nightmare, one that I journey alone. No hand to hold, no soothing voice to comfort me. 

            Tuesday 2/18/14
I woke feeling pretty good, just very tired. After my Flagyl. I felt a bit better. As the day progressed, I felt panicked. I layed down and slept mostly all day. I still couldn't wait to get to bed. I had to pull the car in the yard, we have a lot of snow out there, a parking ban is in effect. I crude As I cleaned off the car, everything hurts. Today, nothing out here is pretty. 

            Wednesday 2/19/14
Just as yesterday, I woke feeling pretty good. I took Zeus out for a walk to the corner, came home, cleaned my car off then parked it on the street. I made soup, did laundry & dishes. I still feel strange. I could cry very easily. I have strange pains flashing here and there in my chest. The feeling I get when I'm extremely nervous, only it comes and goes in a few seconds. 
At least I could function today. 

             "Vocal Fold Paralyses"
Breathy voice
Inability to speak loudly
Limited pitch & loudness variations
Voicing that lasts a very short time
Choking or coughing while eating
Frequent throat clearing
Choking while drinking or on saliva 
The need to take frequent breaths while talking 
Shortness of breath 
Swallowing problems