Wednesday, January 22, 2014

LymeZombie, my Broken World - 1

We all have a different way of receiving & processing data so we totally understand. There are many ways to explain things, we need to try each variation until we see/feel the light go off letting us know the data has been received, understood & is being stored. 

A Lyme Brain is very complex. There are days when we will read something over and over, it will make no sense at all, other days, it will be understood, but not stored, as soon as it's read, it's forgotten, our memory appears to be full. Then there are the days we attempt to have a discussion, we open our mouth to speak, we get the impression our memory has been erased or deleted. We struggle to find the words to convey out thoughts. In our mind we are doing a constant "Word Search". This results on us feeling unintelligent, insignificant & insufficient. This is why I personally sometimes do my very best to avoid conversations. I have sometimes gotten into discussions, all went well, suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch, my mind went totally blank. I could no longer understand what was being said to me, all I could hear was blah, blah, blah. I could not recall anything to correspond with the conversation I was in the middle of having. I suddenly felt & sounded like a person that makes a few very solid intelligent statements, but can't back them up with valid information. 
There are days when I am as cold as ice, no emotions, empathy, or reactions to anything, the shell of the person I once was, As I have always described myself a "Living Dead Girl", "Zombied out". I was like this for 5 or 6 Straight years. I still remember waking up feeling absolutely nothing but the deep desire & need to run. That was the day I packed some stuff in my car and left my husband of 25 years (a story for another time) I never shed a single tear, never felt nervous, stressed or hurt. It was the very first time in my entire life I was ever alone, yet, I had No Fear. My heart was "Stone Cold Dead". 

Since I started Rocephin & Flagyl IV I have started days when Any & Everything make me cry uncontrollably. Making me feel afraid, alone, lonely, hurt, hopeless, helpless, sad, depressed, Very Dark (Black) I also have the intense feeling death is breathing down my shoulder. I become mentally weak & vulnerable. This goes on anywhere from 1 to 5 days, it can last for a few hours per day, or steady the entire time. Seeing as I have Chronic Neurological Lyme, this is the way I herx. 

I also have many pains throughout my body, sharp piercing electrical long Needle type pain in the right side of my neck, so intense my shoulders shrug as I cringe in pain. In the center of my right thigh, a severe throbbing making it feel as if it's rotting from the inside out. The bottoms of my feet feel like they are walking on very sharp stones. My body feels like it weights a Ton & gravity is pulling it toward the ground. A dull throbbing nightly headache, Pain behind my ears, the feeling of Bells Palsy returning. I have had bilateral Bells Palsy since 8/22/12, I have also had 8 prior bouts of BP. At times my hands are useless, unable to type, text, open a bottle of water, they become stiff & painful. My sight fluctuates constantly. My legs get sore, making it difficult to walk or stand for too long a time. 

The Constant noise in my ears, sometimes a high frequency buzz noise, a heart beat, or what I call pins & needles (the sound pins & needles would make if you could hear the feeling). 
I gained 50 lbs. I believe it's from the meds, but I'm not positive, it could be that Lyme has thrown off my hormones.  
Weakness in my arm muscles due to the inability to lift more than a pound because of the PICC line. 

Lyme has caused me to loose control over my body, my mind, my brain. I have indeed become a completely different person. I like to believe I am in the process of a transformation, like that of the Butterfly. I will be transcended to a peaceful, perfect Warrior of Tomorrow